Unlike every other public figure in American life, I abhor the ritualistic genuflection on social media and in columns like this one every time one of our 234,000 annual public celebrations rolls around. But Thanksgiving is the start of Christmas, and it therefore deserves special attention.
Each year, I’m asked for ideal subjects of discussion with the inevitable woke relative you must endure over your turkey dinner. On previous occasions, I’ve suggested delicate touch-papers such as: “When you think about it, isn’t it shocking women are allowed to serve on juries?” And: “If you don’t mind, before we eat, I’d just like to say a prayer for our marvelous President.” And: “I know the gender pay gap is a myth, but have you ever considered that it might be a good idea?”
You may find this line of gentle provocation cruel, and perhaps even inappropriate for a festive family occasion, but in fact the greatest gift you can give a progressive family member is the opportunity to be furious. It is what they live for all year round, and the chance to lecture people who cannot escape them is more than they deserve. But we conservatives are generous souls.
So, here is this year’s recommendation. It works best if ejaculated abruptly over an awkward silence. “Isn’t it just fantastic how our brave trans brothers and sisters can now compete as the women they are, in women’s sports?” Here you must insert a brief dramatic pause before continuing, to give your left-leaning cousins time to agree.
Then proceed as follows. “Don’t you just love seeing women getting their skulls fractured and their bones broken by male-to-female transsexuals with impossibly superior upper body strength? Aren’t we all thrilled seeing mentally-ill bed-wetters in bad wigs smash female records, making a mockery of the discipline and accomplishments of generations of female athletes?
“It’s so gratifying to see the march of equality finally doing right by women. I, for one, can’t wait to see the first female soccer player accidentally killed on the field by a six-foot-six trans mid-fielder. My natural sense of justice yearns for the sight of a slender lass getting the shit kicked out of her by a bellowing, hirsute fellow basketball star who was born a Trevor.” Pause again, to savor the view, before innocently asking: “What are all your thoughts?”
Your peroration delivered, it is now time to smile sweetly and sit back as the emotionally incontinent around you begin to tear out clumps of hair and rend their garments. Recline and sip your champagne, content in a moral obligation well executed. Happy Thanksgiving, and you’re welcome.
Milo Yiannopoulos is an award-winning investigative reporter and the New York Times-bestselling author of DANGEROUS.