FULL TEXT: Milo Appears At D.C. Free Speech Rally As Laura Loomer

Milo Yiannopoulos appeared in character as his friend Laura Loomer at the Washington, D.C. Demand Free Speech rally.

Hands up, who here has been Loomered?

I’m the world’s first citizen journalist in history ever, which I never get any credit for.

I was the first person to reveal that Ilhan Omar married a shoe. Now everyone is saying it and NO ONE GIVES ME CREDIT.

People are always plagiarizing me.

Like yesterday people were saying, “Oh hey, it’s Friday today!” and I totally said that seven days ago, and now everyone is plagiarizing me.

Can you believe that Salman Rushdie author guy tried to steal my thing? He’s out there pretending he’s the first one with a fatwa. Like he honestly believes the Ayatollah Khomeini didn’t shadow-ban me first.

I don’t understand why President Trump won’t stand up for the Jews.

It’s Holocaust Remembrance Day and I’m literally in a gulag created by Mark Zuckerberg. I’m in Auschwitz and I’ve been gassed to death.

Sheryl Sandberg, if you’re listening to this, I bought your book when I was 18 years old in college and you said women would always face obstacles men don’t.

Lean in, you said.

Well, I’m here, Sheryl, and I’m leaning in!

I’m the most banned person in the world. No one has been banned as much as me.

I’m banned from Uber and Lyft so I can’t get anywhere. I had to hitchhike this morning and literally fifty drivers banned me from their cars by not stopping for me.

This morning I was banned from the hotel buffet just because I was an hour late.

And then I went to get a bagel and forgot my wallet and the guy in the bakery totally banned me from having breakfast.

I’ve been banned from the bathroom in my own apartment.

I was even banned from this speech, which is why I’m being represented today by a homosexual in a bad wig.

(Milo resumes usual voice)

Hello everybody … and happy White History Month! Just kidding, every month is white history month.

Because of racism!

Who’s looking forward to Straight Pride next month? That’s a good month. I’m Grand Marshal of the parade and I’m going as Harvey Weinstein. Straight people have a lot to be proud of. Like Tiffany Trump.

Before I start, let’s take a moment of silence to reflect on the awful tragedy this week of massive earthquakes all over California, which some very mean people are describing as the “best Fourth of July gift ever.”

2,500 earthquakes in the last week alone—no, don’t laugh—with the largest one registering a 7.1 on the Richter scale, just 100 miles north of Los Angeles.

I think we all remember where we were when we heard the news, and thought to ourselves: “Goodness, how sad.”

And now some apologies from the people who couldn’t be with us today.

Jack Posobiec, a naughty boy who makes up stories about innocent Democrats on the internet.

I’m just kidding. There’s no such thing as an innocent Democrat.

Actually, Jack is here somewhere. There were some rumors he might not be coming. We were worried we’d have to make do with Baby Posobiec, or @JackPosobiecJr. I’ve grown fond of the little guy’s Twitter account. We use it in my house when we’ve run out of Ipecac.

Jacob Wohl, or as I like to call him, “Jack Posobiec with abs.” Sadly not here.

Roger Stone couldn’t be here, which I’m fine about because Antifa said he was a higher-value target than me. So now he’s gone I’m (shimmies) back on topppp.

Roger is a close friend of mine as well as one of my personal heroes. But I admit we’ve drifted recently, and it’s all my own jealousy, I have to be honest. I can’t bear the thought that Roger is going to fulfil one of my lifelong ambitions before I do, which is a violent 2 a.m. three-way at Riker’s Island.

Omar Navarro! Omar couldn’t be here because he’s coming down off a coke binge with another married woman.

Poor Omar. Or, as I like to call him, Jabba the Slutt.


Anyone who gives the Daily Beast ammunition is too stupid to function and a liability to the movement. But I do want to tell you what he shared with Will Sommer from the Daily Beast about the Proud Boys.

I have to warn you ahead of time that it’s extremely hurtful. Those of sensitive dispositions really need to sit and steel themselves.

I’m serious—this is cutting stuff. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

“They’re disgusting,” he said. “They’re reprehensible,” he said. “They’re a joke of an organization,” he said.

“They should be the Proud Jokes, not the Proud Boys.”

Stern stuff. I hope everyone’s okay.

The story is headlined: “Proud Boys Rally Rocked by Sex & Cocaine Allegations.”

Did anyone else know that there was drug-taking at Proud Boy events? I’m appalled.

Seriously, a guy with zero chance of ever getting elected whose entire life consists of pointing and laughing at Mad Maxine’s freak-outs is “worried about his reputation”? Okay.

I remember Omar, drunk off his face, surrounded by piles of cocaine, at an event in Las Vegas a short while ago. Now I’m not saying he did any himself, but why pick now to throw a high-minded hissy fit? Silly Jabba the Slutt. Do you think we don’t have pictures?

Did I mention how ugly Will Sommer’s wife is? Look her up on the internet. Ye gods. Imagine having a wife so ugly that you have to nut at work by posting confected outrage about other people’s social media.

Is he here? Is Will here?

Will, I have one question: HOW DO YOU CUM? Your wife is so ugly that when she was born the doctor turned around and slapped her mother.

Your wife is so ugly she makes blind people cry.

Your wife is so ugly that people break into her house just to close the curtains.

Your wife is so ugly the entire family is registered disabled.

Your wife is so ugly she gets sympathy cards from Leslie Jones.

Your wife is so ugly she has to trick or treat by phone.

Your wife is so ugly her birth certificate is a letter from the doctor saying: “I’m sorry.”

Your wife is so ugly she made One Direction go in literally every other direction.

I do have to make an ethical point here though because I know some people go a bit too far with these jokes. Please don’t call women whores. It’s gross and misogynistic. For instance, I have never said that Will Sommer’s wife is a whore.

What I said about the girlish Sommer is that she is a hideous, unlovable sack of estrogen and hurt feelings. And the wife is a mannish hog.

If you’re feeling squeamish about all this, please grow a pair. These people work all day every day to destroy our careers and tear apart our families. They are employed to do nothing but harass and ridicule their ideological foes out of existence and they use our families to do it. They are the advance wing of the Antifa terrorists who want us dead.

Taylor Lorenz outed Pamela Geller’s children, putting them directly in harm’s way and risking their lives. Making fun of someone’s ugly wife is the least these sociopaths deserve.

Besides, Will Sommer can take it, as anyone who lives around the Dupont Circle can tell you. I’ll tell Will the same thing I tell Chadwick Moore: Just because you let a few guys cum all over you, doesn’t make you special.

Will Sommer keeps calling the Proud Boys a violent organization, as though they’re some kind of street gang. Will, do you think if the Proud Boys were a gang that you’d still be alive?

Anyway! What a line-up we have here today!

I hear Nick Monroe is here. Nick used to have a Twitter account.

The real Laura Loomer is here. Does anyone here follow Laura on Telegram? Hands up. There’s a woman on the brink. She’s on the edge, guys! I wish Laura all the best in her lawsuits against the social media titans.

One of the things that can be most difficult to prove in a lawsuit is called “damages.” In other words, what negative effects the actions of the other party had on you. I think we can all agree that one glance at Laura’s Telegram and the jury will quickly agree she is incredibly damaged.

Ashton Birdie, the little sexpot, she’s here.

Ali Alexander, everybody, who recently said the unsayable, which is that Kamala Harris is not African-American. She isn’t. The way you know what Ali said was incontrovertibly accurate is that every cable network spent three days telling you he’s a liar and a troll.

Then again, he is about the most untrustworthy-looking person I’ve ever seen, so…

I see lots of Proud Boys here. The Proud Boys have always been a bit politically correct for my tastes, but I’m glad they’re here in D.C. for the most patriotic weekend of the year. I hear there are some flag-burners nursing bruises this morning a little bit less grateful. Obviously, I disavow all political violence, but… Oh well.

Since Thursday, those brave dissident flag-burners have been harder to track down than Christine Blasey Ford.

Last but not least, Gavin McInnes. The last time Gavin and I appeared at a rally like this together, we ended up necking. And now I have Herpes.

I’ve never heard of anyone else on the speaker list but I’m sure they’re all great.

What? I meant it nicely!

I am here with a message of tough love and hard truth.

We are losing the battle for free speech. We are failing. For all the bravery and indefatigability of the speakers before you today, we are failing to preserve basic First Amendment freedoms in this country.

I’m going to say something very risky and unpopular to you now, something everyone told me I shouldn’t say.

I’m going to say something everyone I trust and everyone who advises me said that I should avoid at all costs.

I’m going to say something you aren’t used to hearing from media personalities whose politics you share.

It’s. Your. Fault.

Not the people here, the brave few who have risked being beaten senseless by communist thugs. Frankly it’s amazing anyone showed up today, risking their physical safety to be here.

The people watching at home. The silent majority who support us and vote for Trump but who won’t show up and won’t say anything and won’t say how they feel out loud.

You have failed us.

The conservative base in this country—I have to tell you this, I have to give you this hard truth—can be lazy, cowardly and self-interested and you expect other people to do everything for you.

Well we can’t! We need you. We can’t do this without you. And yet we’re battered. We’re bruised. We’re close to financial ruin.

I don’t want to hear excuses like “Oh, Republicans have jobs.” Or, “We have responsibilities, we can’t spend our lives protesting like Lefties.”

Until you are willing to lose something, you are setting yourself on the path to losing everything.

Conservatives and libertarians in this country have failed us, and you’ve failed each other.

The Republican media has failed to stand up for those of us on the front lines. Seriously, what the fuck happened to Breitbart?

And, I’m sorry to say, the White House has failed, and this President has failed.

Sycophants cheerlead. Real friends tell each other the truth. Real friends give it to you straight.

Today, I’m giving it to you straight. If you want to preserve the America you love, you have got to do a lot better than this.

The Left must be made to fear you. Massive, brutal retaliation for the slightest of perceived insults is the only way. When they cost us a dollar, we have to make them pay a hundred.

When they tear down one of our idols, we have to set fire to their cathedrals.

Why does it matter that you are losing? That we’re all losing? Let me tell you.

Antifa and the Left know what they want: the total destruction of our society. And they mean it. They want to destroy our families, destroy our educational institutions, destroy our businesses, destroy our historical monuments, destroy everything that we are proud of as a country.

What is it we want to CONSERVE? Beauty. Truth. Goodness. Joy. Virtue. Families. Nuclear families, not this weird shit you see on ABC.

Children growing up with both a mother and a father. Art. Science. Creativity. Capitalism. The worship of our Creator.

If we don’t fight, we don’t just lose the next election. We lose our souls.

Christianity, the basis of our culture, is going extinct. It is the yeast in the dough of our civilization and the Left is seeking to strangle it.

All conservatives ever do is sit around worrying how not to be hit. We never argue for substance, only procedure.

“Freedom of speech” is procedure, not substance. It’s instrumental. It’s not the goal. The goal is to reclaim Constantinople, or something analogous.

If you argue substance like this, people will have something real to disagree with.

So please, risk arguing… for God. Free speech isn’t enough.

God is the Real Deal. We accept President Daddy, imperfect as he is, because, unlike our communist friends over in Pershing Park, we’re not trying to bring about heaven on earth.

But we have to do a better job of the earthly fight.

Conservatives keep playing a defensive game, never getting in close enough to actually score.

Now, getting in close is risky—you leave yourself vulnerable.

But you have to learn to take the offensive and hit them first.

Because there is something to be lost here that goes way beyond my ability to make jokes in public about a Daily Beast writer’s wife, as hideous as she is. And she is hideous! Truly disgusting. Like something that crawled out of a swamp and wants to lay its eggs in your ear canal.

And that thing to be lost is our entire way of life.

If you aren’t prepared to fight the domestic terrorists of Antifa, then there is nothing you love enough to matter.

When you pay nothing, that’s what you get. Nothing.

And maybe that’s what you deserve.

You need to show up. And you need to put your money where your mouth is.

Before I go, I’m going to give you some advice. It’s more than advice, actually. It’s the key to winning at least one front in this war.

The conservative and libertarian base is never going to get all this on their own. They’re too distracted and, to be honest, too lazy and self-interested.

We need to show them.

We need to bring it home.

We need everyone they’ve ever heard of, everyone they care about, banned from social media. That means going home today and reporting all your favorite conservative media personalities to Facebook and Twitter for hate speech. Get them all banned.

That’s the only way we’re going to impress upon everyone how serious this is.

They didn’t get it when it was me, Gavin, Roger, Laura. Maybe they will if the appeasers start dropping like flies as well.

So, who’s for the chop? Who do we need banned from social media?

WILL SOMMER’S WIFE, because she is ugly.

OWEN SHROYER, for that beard.

BEN SHAPIRO. That’s a big one. He’s gotta go.


And, of course, STEVEN CROWDER.

This is how we take the power back, and from the ashes of deplatforming and censorship begin to rebuild what we have lost.

Our enemy is strong, and smug, and on the offensive. They think they have us on the ropes.

Well, they can say what they want. They can do what they want. They will never win and they will never take my joy because I am MILO MOTHERFUCKING YIANNOPOULOS.

Don’t let them take your joy either.

Thank you very much and God bless!

Now I’d like to introduce you to my good friend, she’s been a loyal and dear and devoted ally and she’s one of my heroes, ladies and gentlemen, Laura Loomer. Please give her a big round of applause for being such a good sport.

Milo Yiannopoulos is an award-winning investigative reporter and the New York Times-bestselling author of DANGEROUS.