On Tuesday, Daddy inspected the wall prototypes laid out for him in San Diego.
But his favorite faggot beat him by three days, attending an informal guided tour of the border and wall prototypes.
Exclusively for DANGEROUS readers, MILO ranks the prototypes according to the metrics he considers most pertinent: cruelty, scariness and sadism, giving each a mark out of ten on his proprietary Hunger Games Scale.
Uninspiring and dirty. Doesn’t inspire people to come to the United States. (We want people to WANT to come, we just don’t want them to actually come.) Cardboardy and grim, it almost looks like it might be made of wood. Is it hollow? We do not know. It recalls bousillage, which is not only easily penetrated but, even worse, it belongs to poteux-en-terre constructions in French Colonial buildings. If I were an illegal, I’d start drilling into it to see how thick it was. NOT VERY SCARY! You’d need thousands of sexy ICE agents to police this wall, which would be great for San Diego’s homosexuals, but not so great for women out late at night. Or taxpayers.
HUNGER GAMES RANKING: 2
More promising. A concrete upper with bars at the bottom for visibility, both aspirational (when looking from Mexico) and comic (when observing from America). But the top section of masonry hasn’t been fully realized, and wouldn’t scale across hundreds of miles since its setbacks don’t appear regular from most angles. Looks like it was put together with leftover elements from other walls, though perhaps the architect was suggesting crenellations, which is imaginative but not well executed in this example – and, of course, ICE is yet to be given permission to pick off illegals with bows and arrows.
HUNGER GAMES RANKING: 5
It’s supposed to be a big beautiful wall of love and joy and peace, and this prototype does convey tranquility. It looks a bit like the first wall listed but it has a lovely round embellishment at the top in a pleasing accent color. The taupe of the wall and brown cornice are very attractive together. If it had a fresco on it, you could almost see this in a Roman villa. Still, a little bland and I can’t help but wonder if braces at regular intervals would provide greater visual interest to a finish that is straining towards stucco but falling somewhat short. This might be too beautiful for a wall intended to deter.
HUNGER GAMES RANKING: 5
I love jewel tones, but my worry is that the indigo top section of this prototype might be mistaken for the night sky, and illegals might try to launch themselves with catapults and trampolines over what they think is a much shorter structure. And, because the wall is solid, we wouldn’t even get to see this canvas of corpses, which would be visible only from the Mexican side. If the top section were Perspex or glass, I think I’d have scored this more highly, though I do love the deep blue upper, which complements the California skyline at dusk. Would benefit from a decorative addition of curlicues or pediments, perhaps made from the scalps of captured miscreants.
HUNGER GAMES RANKING: 6
It’s critical that the ultimate wall design should demonstrate an understanding of its context and surroundings, and this playful gesture toward wooden fences is a real delight. The border landscape is arid, with gorgeous neutrals everywhere. A beautiful hue and texture, this rich brown is rendered complex and visually rewarding by those surroundings, to say nothing of the effect created by those strong regular intervals of thin, mean verticality, its fluted texture and round anti-climb accoutrements, which combine to make the whole thing feel like a colonnade. Hundreds of miles of this would be fabulous. Ultimately, it looks too homely, and not intimidating enough to put off evildoers.
HUNGER GAMES RANKING: 7
At first glance, this wall looks like the plain concrete examples we have already considered. But consider the subtler finish and a series of lovely board-and-batten inspired protrusions, recalling American folk architecture. Behind the battens the wall is indented with irregular rectangles to soften the look. An inverted chevron crowns the structure, in perfect proportion with the slats, paying tribute to the Armed Forces while slicing open the arteries of aspirant lawbreakers. Redolent simultaneously of Rothko and Art Deco municipal architecture, this prototype’s Brutalism and incised square shapes score highly on intimidation and foreboding.
HUNGER GAMES RANKING: 8
By far the most severe wall, this example is almost Teutonic. Note that the individual segments of wall are much narrower than in other designs, which gives the effect of greater height. This dissuasion strategy is complemented by the most antagonistic decorative elements on any of the designs we have considered: an incline rail that resembles a metal fence angled toward intruders, with star-shaped spike detailing, presumably cast by hand by steelmaking artisans in the Presidential workshop. A dangerous wall to scale. This design conveys what Trump supporters are looking for in terms of outward displays of no-nonsense policing. The light nods to maximum-security jail architecture are not accidental, and function as amusing foreshadowing for would-be illegal border-violators: They are a sign of the institutions illegal immigrants may end up in, should they enter the United States and start committing serious crimes. In that regard, this wall is a perfectly imagined “Welcome to America,” at once futuristic, terrifying, intelligent and comforting. I’m not sure, however, that it concords well with the natural landscape.
HUNGER GAMES RANKING: 9
This is by some margin the most effective design. The colder palate of this wall, rendered in slate with a truly gorgeous texture when viewed up close, fits perfectly with its surroundings. A gigantic tube crown makes it impossible to climb over or rest a ladder on; this is a pragmatic design that’s also subtle and delicate, and the perpendicular, infinite turret is so large it almost suggests an eave. Gun-metal paneling on a jettied story gives a post-apocalyptic, Mad Max feel, perfectly encapsulating the anxieties of Trump’s America. Tough to underestimate this wall’s impressiveness. The two-tone effect created by the evening light is visible at every orientation – but flashlight illumination from K-9 units would look just as good. No spikes, but a detail we’ve seen earlier in the grille, which gives the impression of permeability while remaining defiantly immovable: this wall’s V-shaped slats are redolent of muntins and intended to function exactly that way. The negative space created between this wall’s pillars are designed so that with every new Venezuela, Americans can have a visible symbol of the consequences of communism and corruption as economic migrants gather behind the bars, sobbing and begging. At times of especially desperate poverty in the various Central and South American countries, all of which seem to dabble in socialism sooner or later, Americans can gaze through the struts at hungry, crying children and the outstretched hands of starving pregnant women and be reminded why collectivism is always and everywhere a totally fucking terrible idea. Imposing, architecturally distinctive and unutterably mean-spirited. The perfect ten!
HUNGER GAMES RANKING: 10
Milo Yiannopoulos is an award-winning journalist, New York Times bestselling author, and host of THE MILO SHOW.
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Milo Yiannopoulos is an award-winning investigative reporter and the New York Times-bestselling author of DANGEROUS.