MILO: My Mom’s Best Friend

My mother’s best friend’s name is Chad
He works for Immigration
Cos Mexicans don’t send their best
To creep past checkpoint stations

Murder, rape and FGM
Though common in Mérida
Are simply not acceptable
To Daddy, our new Leader 

America, the Beautiful
The world’s most perfect nation
Should stay that way, should not decay
For some it’s a vocation

To keep her free, and strong, and proud
With borders never porous
Because we think the west is best
And value the clitoris

Mom’s friend Chad is proud to say
He serves the law-abiding
And ferrets out illegals from
The kitchens where they’re hiding

Americans aren’t bigoted
They only want to thrive
Is it so wrong to give first place
To daughters and to wives?

I pleaded, so Chad took me down
To tour the southern wall
I saw the horrors for myself
There’s plenty that appalls

From patriarchal gang members
Corruption and cocaine
To Univision broadcasting
Such never-ending pain!

Why is it TV overflows
With women awfully mannish
Who seem to think the nation would
Be better off all Spanish?

It’s true the bars are lively, and
The prostitutes are cheap
But you’d better watch your wallet
And be careful while you sleep

A girl in Tijuana asked
If we would look and rank her
She wants to know if she’s as hot
As Daddy’s dear Ivanka

We told her beauty’s not outside
It’s character within
Not whether you are black or white
But if you’re prone to sin

So if your immigration papers
Seem to be in order
If you respect our laws and rules
Especially the border

No Trump fan cares if you’re a wop
A dago or a spic
(No one even says those words
You’d have to be a prick)

What social justice warriors tend
To miss on op-ed pages,
Is just how bad it is for our
Collapsing black male wages

To welcome every pot washer
And gardener and maid
Who don’t have papers, don’t pay tax
On money they are paid

So movie bosses, actresses
Professors and their neighbors
Can live in easy luxury
With dirt-cheap foreign laborers

And fat-cat old-school donor types
Who give to John McCain
Can staff their plants and factories
Without the awful pain

Of paying keen Americans
A reasonable living
Who’d work all day in factories
However unforgiving

If only there were chances, and
If only there were jobs
If only they were recognized
By left-wing Twitter mobs

What no one will admit is that
This whole ungodly drama
Could have been avoided with
A few words from Obama

Bad enough that cigar Bill
Put all black dads in jail
His Democratic party wants
To make sure that they fail

It’s Democrats the racists now
They want us all to fight
They tease us and they bully us
For being male and white

The Left don’t mind if gays get shot
In Florida’s public spaces
Just so long as they’re not called
A hater or a racist

The superficial facts of life
Like sexual orientation
Or gender, race, and social class
Should not dictate your station

It shouldn’t be your mom and dad
Whose genes give you position
Making up for laziness
Because you lack ambition

It shouldn’t be because you’re gay
That you get special status
No one should bow cos you chopped off
Your sexual apparatus

And nor do people have a right
Just because they’re neighbors
To come into your house demanding
Never-ending favors

Mexico’s not hated cos
Americans are fools
We just want common sense dictating
Immigration rules

Terrorism, sexual slaves
These things we truly hate
All that Daddy’s doing is
Ensuring we stay great

We know that most newcomers aren’t
Jihadists or drug mules
But let us check them out to save
Our hospitals and schools

Republicans are justified
In fearing those black swans
So there’s no shame in scrutinizing
Those who own Korans 

We don’t much care for skin color
Who cares if you are Haitian
It might be a shithole but
Do you have aspirations?

We don’t care if you’re black or white
Those things should not decide
If you get into Harvard and
Deserve to feel some pride

We value not your hue or creed
But rather dedication
We don’t pay much attention to
Your accent or your nation

But rather what’s inside your head
A set of noble goals
The Bill of Rights, the rule of law
Respect for unborn souls

Soy-boy bloggers everywhere
From WaPo to Der Spiegel
Say Daddy is a racist now
For saying: “Come in legal!”

Doctors, lawyers, all can come
So long as they can say
They’ll proudly uphold values of
The grand old USA

Our brave, our strong, our true get zilch
They toil away, heroic
Expected not to share their views
Required to be stoic

So let us praise them, just this once
Our noble, sworn defenders
Of life and liberty, of all
America’s great splendors

Where would we be? It would be hell
If Homeland ne’er existed
It wouldn’t be a happy place
Hell no, don’t get it twisted

How did the Left forget their old
Commitments to the poorest?
With Daddy’s orders overturned
By Democratic jurists

The officers of ICE have been
The cause of much divorcement
Because they are the sexiest branch
Of Daddy’s law enforcement

Jorge Ramos likes to say
Enforcing law’s not nice
But everybody knows the States
Is buggered without ICE!

MILO is an award-winning journalist and New York Times bestselling author. 

Milo Yiannopoulos is an award-winning investigative reporter and the New York Times-bestselling author of DANGEROUS.

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